i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
