I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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