nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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