Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
