1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
