just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
