you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just blew my weed a kiss
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
