My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
