I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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