Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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