i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
