The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My cat gives me a boner
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I need a beard to bite.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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