I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So vagazzling was a success
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
