Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
