Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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