Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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