It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
