So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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