the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
