Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
