if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
id be glad to
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
