please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
