Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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