Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
