he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
where are you?
Hypothermia
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
