Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
