P.S. I can't hear my feet
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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