I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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