I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
