How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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