I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
