Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I need a beard to bite.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So. Much. Porn.
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