I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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