dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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