Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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