I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
