I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I need a beard to bite.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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