She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
