You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
