Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
