i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
