Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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