So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
