we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
