so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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