Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
