he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize