Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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