i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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