So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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