My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
