Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
