it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
