You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
