walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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