i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
