: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
