fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
