I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
