Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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