***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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