The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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