This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
