please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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